Ithil's Journal

8:32pm: Deadly Sins... Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum
I decided not to sully the "real" site with this stuff, but I told muzikman I'd fill it out, so if you have a problem, beat HIM up :)

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? My mother, probably...
2. What is your weapon of choice? Scathing looks and biting logic...
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Of COURSE I would.. ask Matt, Chester, James, Josh, all three of my brothers, Alessandro, Fernando, Raoul... ummm... need I go on ;)
4. How about of the same sex? They'd have to piss me off a helluva lot, but probably, yes...
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? My mom, but we're cool now
6. What is your pet peeve? It's a pretty all encompassing one... Stupidity...
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? It depends on the grudge...some of them grow to be like pets after a while...

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Does going to math class count? How about posting? Homework? hmm...
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? around 6pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Oh.. so many.. RachelS, Becca, JulieS, Florence, my host family in Italy, the people with FAFSA (shudder)...
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "I'm so sorry professor, my family came into town..."
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Oh god.. do I HAVE to answer this one?
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? now THAT is funny...
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? I dont' have a snooze button, I actually get up, reset the alarm for half an hour later... then half an hour later, I turn the alarm off and miss the bus....
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Ugh.. I work at a cafe... I don't drink yuppie beverages anymore... I guess if I had to name one, it would be a virgin strawberry daquiri, preferably with whipped cream...
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? both... depends on my mood...
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? Grin... New Year's Eve... probably about 12 drinks all told.. and I wasn't even drunk... ::looks smug::
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Never ever ever
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? a minor one
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Ahhh..."Food Glorious food... Hot sausage and mustard... While we're in the mood cold Jelly and Custard...." (that's for all you musical lovers out there...)
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH?" THis is a great question.. unfortunately, no...

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? none
2. How many people have seen YOU naked? none
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? hmmm... not that I can remember
4. Have you "done it"? well, given the answer to my first and second questions, that would be pretty tough, now, wouldn't it...
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? it's not about the individual parts, it's about the ensemble... that being said... eyes, arms... but somebody with a great laugh makes me melt...

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? going to Italy
2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? getting a scholarship
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? work for National Geographic
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Occasionally
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? not for a while
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? skipping school :)

ENVY
1. Which of your friends would you most want to be? I would want Iram's intelligence, Nevena's body, Julie's life persepective, Rachel's sense of humor and Becca's steadiness
2. Who would you want to go on Trading Spaces with? Becca and Julie... they'd have fun :)
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? myself with unlimited power and resources
4. Have you ever been cheated on? ehh.. kind of
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? nose, butt, boobs, hair (but I changed my mind on the last one)
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? steadiness...

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? catholic
2. What religion were you raised as? catholic
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? human
4. Do you believe in magic? sure.. but not the hocus pocus kind
5. What was the last promise you broke? to call lindsey to work on service learning...
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? yeah, but not on purpose
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? no

FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? "a cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire."

2. What did you do today that was really brave? tell my boss that yes, in fact, I would LOVE to go home early... *(yes I know that that's a dumb thing to say is brave, but you asked me about TODAY...)
3. Who is your favorite superhero?
dunu nunu nunu nunu dunu nunu nunu nunu BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? honestly? I dunno
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? well one things for DAMN sure.. I wouldn't be going back to Kansas
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? oh, so many times.. getting better though
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? wait a second.. have you MET me? they call me the godfather... errr.. mother...

TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? Internet... can't you tell?
2. Do you collect anything? Bags under my eyes
3. Are you addicted to anything? I would say coffee, but the cafe job pretty much killed that...
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? nah
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? up front.. get it over with...
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: ask me the next time I'm working on a paper due the next day...
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? Grin... neuroticism central!!!!!

PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know? my mom
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? vigil? as in Easter vigil? yeah, I guess
3. Do you take advice when it's given? rarely
4. What area are you wisest in? ... yes... I am very good at ellipses... (no.. I did not say spelling)
5. Do you drive defensively? yes.. I get very defensive when my mom tells me how to drive...
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? see questions 1,2 and 4 in the LUST section
7. What did you learn today? sleeping in day clothes sucks...

11:50pm: GRIN
YAY John! YAY Happy Love Chicken time....
Can anybody give me directions?

2:14pm: City Slackers
So last night I was a workin on a PAPER
Put it off and told myself I'd do it LATER
So I spent a million hours surfing WEB SITES
That's the way that I've been wastin' most of
MY NIGHTS
Now it's Monday morning and I'm feelin' FRIGHTENED
Of the paper that I've got to finish WRITIN'
So I rush it and I put BS TOGETHER
Bitch I'm a slacker fake assignments any WEATHER

Put your hands up! If you're a SLACKER
Playin' games and making your school records BLACKER
Writin' papers that you know are far from PRETTY
Join ME in procrastination CITY

1:34pm: Sign of the Times
"Most users ever online was 7 on Tue Dec 10, 2002 3:39 am"

9:39am: Random thoughts
I miss my mom and I hate my mouse...
But my friends are great...
Thanks guys!

4:32pm: Mission Accomplished
Photomatt[4:22 PM]: oh nooooooo
Photomatt[4:22 PM]: that's so wrong

I never thought I'd hear him say that!
GRIN

11:14am: Valentine's Day
How was it? They ask.
Well... That's a long story... Oddly enough, the troubles with Valentine's day did not spring from any deep seated psychological need to be in a relationship, but from the sheer stupidity of basically everbody I talked to.
First of all, I went to school... Most of you are IN school so I dont' think that needs any further explanation... I skipped my math class, thinking that THAT would make the day... and it WOULD have, if when I got home, my Phone hadnt been disconnected...
Apparently, I hadn't paid a bill since November, (since my mother paid the November bill, that means that I have NEVER paid one) Surprisingly, this was not due to any irresponsibility on my part, but a result of the simple fact that I did not GET a bill. Now, talking to the phone company without a phone is quite challenging... Fortunately, Nevena was over, and had a cell phone (though I shudder to see her bill...) Grownups take FOREVER to understand such simple concepts as "you don't charge me, I don't pay you" I finally managed to convince this guy that my phone should be turned on BEFORE I paid for the past three months of service, but I only have an extention till March 10.
Blah...
The good news is that I think I have a job! (So I WILL be able to pay my phone bill).
The evening was much less annoying and pathetic than the day....
Nevena slept over, and we watched Three good movies, Ate an entire pizza, and a lot of ice-cream... (not really comfort food, per-se, but it sure is a good excuse )
Then we crashed.... Good night... Actually, come to think of it, there's nowhere I'd have preferred to be :)

11:59pm: No Comment!
Matt was just kind enough to inform me that he and Josh are not lesbians...

11:48am: Last Night's Escapades
Last night was the first meeting of the H-town crew since Becca left... True to form, I found out about it at 11:30pm when Matt called asking me if I wanted to watch a movie--
at my house...
:)
We went to House of Pies, then back to my place where we watched Zoolander... I fell asleep for the movie, but the features on the DVD were great.

The funniest part of the evening was the drive home...
We were talking about Alex Jones, commenting on how we never see him anymore, when to our right, there appeared a blue Civic... And yes, Alex was in the Driver's Seat...
Wierdest. Coincidence. Ever!
Right now I'm supposed to be mopping... I would make a truly terrible housewife...cleaning is the most boring occupation...
Argh...
Anyway... I never really thought that I would keep in touch with everyone like this! It's really great! Kudos to Rachel or Julie or whoever it was who initially came up with Diedrich's night...
The night has died, but the spirit lives on!

7:56am: Blah!
Freshman 45!


Need I say more?

9:19am: Wierd! That's WAY too accurate!
Midgetfarms Personality quiz...
Your score is
25/50
what does that mean?
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest...Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

9:09am: I'm feeling much better since the last time I posted... I haven't been getting much sleep, but I have been accomplishing stuff in between my wasting time... For example, I FINALLY mopped my bathroom floor and I am on the road to having a clean house, (complete with throwing away all moldy fruit,Josh )
:)
Anyway... The H-Town gang came over 2 nights ago and we had a great time, watching beautiful people on television and playing Monopoly :-D
Last night I went to see Lord of the Rings!!!! YAY!!!!! I am so happy! That movie was SO much better than the first one... They took some liberties with the story, but unlike the liberties that they took with the first one, they were all minor and I understood why they did it...
Except that one thing with Aragorn falling off a cliff.. What was up with that? Or am I just forgetting it in the book... If anyone is more dorky than me and can correct me, please do!]
Gotta go clean now... Ciao!

10:11pm: Mischief!
Josh currently has lipstick-warpaint all over him... That's what he gets for falling asleep :)

3:17pm: random thought
Watched Amy's O last night... hmmm... decent movie... but definitely not to be watched in mixed company... Poor Josh!!!
I do want to read that book though!

2:47pm: Excerpt from a Conversation with My brother: Can you tell we miss each other?
Jo: hey do you know that the word for sh-t here is the same as in Italian?
Pacificnights: MERDE!!!!!!!!!!
it's also the same in French
J: ya ino
J:hey gotta run
J:do my hw
J:get to bed
Pacificnights: awwwwwwwww... ok... me2
Pacificnights: hw..not bed
Pacificnights: bed=evil
J: :-)
Pacificnights: that's why I don't ever sleep
J: k
J: cya
Pacificnights: I went to bed at 5
Pacificnights: ciao
Pacificnights: love you!
Pacificnights: good luck tomorrow
Pacificnights: I'll be thinking of you when I watch the super bowl
J: say hi to everyone that i know
Pacificnights: sure
J : ttyl
Pacificnights: super bowl... heh
Pacificnights: ok... bye
Pacificnights: kiss everybody
J: bye
Pacificnights: :-*
J: bye
Pacificnights: bye
J: bye
Pacificnights: bye
J: bye
Pacificnights: bye

Pacificnights: bye
Pacificnights: bye

J: bye
Pacificnights: bye
J: bye!!!!!
Pacificnights: and it ain't no lie
Pacificnights: baby bye bye bye
J: baby byebyebye
Pacificnights: LOL
J: bye
Pacificnights: ::does dance::
Pacificnights: BYE BYE BYE!!!!!1
J: bye
Pacificnights: Adios!
J: k cya
Pacificnights: Arrivederci
Pacificnights: CIao
Pacificnights: Auf Weidersehn
J: adeos
J: what the.....?
Pacificnights: Salut
Pacificnights: LOL! think SOund of music
J: byeeeeeeeee
Pacificnights: so long, farewell
J: k
Pacificnights: Auf wiedersehn good night
J: bye
Pacificnights: goodbye
Pacificnights: goodbye
Pacificnights: gooodbye

J: gonna go now
Pacificnights: GOOOOOOODBYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Pacificnights: :)

12:50am: quotable quotes
"I see the monkey...but how do I get to the monkey?"
"Now leave me alone so I can get my monkey!"
"Oh my god! My Monopoly properties are colored like Barney! Purple and Green!"

6:20pm: Why is it that any time I really really really want to hear from someone, I find my mailbox with a FORWARD from them in it?
I HATE that! This latest one involves a 10 month old with Leukemia... and has the typical guilt trippy message at the bottom informing me that I have no heart... GRRR!!!

3:05pm: Fireworks-Dreams
I put some pictures on my wall last night... There's a patch of sunsets, a patch of scenery, and then a million diverse pictures... The kind that don't fit any categories. I look so happy in all of them... Arm wrapped around the neck of a boy I love locked in a sweet messy ballroom dance, head thrown back, laughing, holding each other like we'd never let go... Eating Icecream with the Laura that I never saw again... Sitting with Giulia and her friends with Pina Colada, Martini and Sex on the Beach... Then there's the series that Becca took... the ones that got the place of honor, right over the computer... They somehow captured the Me that I see... I look so pensive in those pictures... I wonder what I was thinking about...I remember staring at a piece of glitter on the floor, but I don't know what I saw in it...There have been a lot of those in my life... They flash and catch my eye... and then are gone... and I find myself looking after them, towards the place where they used to be... happy for the flash, but as disappointed as I used to be when I was five and the fireworks were all gone... the party was over...
Sitting alone here... over tired... after everyone's gone home, I put myself back into the pictures on my wall... I look so elated... buoyed by someone, something... Sitting on Nathan's shoulders, laughing at the world, screaming my way down the Sierra Tonante, dancing with "the girls" on New years... and then sitting in the spotlight of two nights ago, looking at my tinseled dream...
For once, I am at peace...
But I know that when I rise from here, there will be battles once again... the "How do I treat him", "What do I say","Should I tell her","Leave me alone" that is my life right now... I know that... and yet, right now, I feel like I'm floating, In control...
Unlike the pictures, right now I stand alone...and it's not so scary after all...And as for my fireworks-dreams? I'm glorying right now, in the silence of the night sky...

5:42pm: Apparently I didn't have photagraphy class today, I was quite dissapointed!
On a brighter note, I joined the school newspapaer... YAY! they actually had me write an article already!
Ok.. this computer (School comp, not my newly transformed baby) is driving me crazy... I am typing much much much faster than the computer will display, which is both exhilerating and immensely annoying .. ttyl!

2:36pm: Magical Moments (Brought to you by Metro)
Well folks, after a bitter sweet month I am back... Back in oh so many ways... My computer is finally fixed :) and by the way, to the folks from last night.. I got the keyboard up, but true to form, as soon as I got that working, the modem quit... so maybe with a little more tinkering I'll get the whole system up and running... maybe...
I'm in a surprisingly good mood considering the happenings of the day... I got up this morning at an irreligiously early hour, then cleaned my house... no... not very auspicious beginnings, but God knows (as do four good friends)that it was necessary... Then I went out into the cold to ride the Metro... I'm not a huge fan of the bus system at the best of times, but today was particularly bad. I was experimenting with a new route, if it worked, it would cut my transit time -from home to school- in half. Well, I got to the bus station in the nick of time and got to my connection fine. The only trouble was that the street signs were missing at my stop, so it wasn't until the last second that I decided to trust my instinct and disembark. Well, about two minutes after the bus pulled away from the station, I realized that my purse (complete with wallet, money, ID... everything but the kitchen sink) was still on board... I was a little rattled, especially since I was convinced (erroneously, it turns out) that my keys were also in the purse... Just then two buses pulled up to the stop and I, still shaken, got on the first one. A few minutes later, I awoke from my reverie to discover that I was on the WRONG BUS... SO.. I got off and walked about 15 blocks to school....
Ugh... not the greatest morning...
Ironically, it's school that's cheered me up...My schedule this semester is truly great. French, Math, English, "Persuasion and Argumentation" and Photography.... I like all of my professors except for the Math teacher... He seems a little senile and says "lookit" every 20 seconds... which is really jarring for some reason... still, the day was wonderful...

1:04pm: Thesis of Private Entry
"Whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was on crack."

12:48pm: God I hate vulnerability! I don't know how to get over it, and I don't even know what I want Owa to do about it... How could anything said or done help? Well... a little honesty wouldn't hurt...
Man... switching between ultra highs and ultra lows... Crying and singing "I will survive"...
Moody as all hell... That I am...
So... what happened?
Why am I always left asking that question?
Hohum... I guess that A and H both had their fill of asking that question about me...Ugh... poetic justice... how I despise it!
So... yeah... whether or not I'll be alright is not currently a question... whether or not I want to be alright... to move on... is.... I feel like a spoilt two year old... yelling "I DON"T WANT TO!" at the world...
I need my poetry books back... this is ridiculous...all this angst and nowhere to put it!

4:10am: Update
Ahhhh!! Sweetness!!!
WEnt to the Galleria today with Nevena, James and my dear beloved brother, finally back from Pa....
MAN that was fun! Dragged the boys through endless clothes stores.. Major bonding experience for them... plus the agonized looks on their faces are pretty durn cute!!! Didn't buy anything...
Forced the boys to have their heads massaged by new octopus looking machine.... More amusing expressions...
Went to see James' mom at Dillards...
Lost my brother to fencing companion...
Diedrich's tonight... YAY! PVA RULES!!!
Ummm... failed 10 page paper... then skipped class in which I failed 10 page paper... College logic :)
Hohum... saw indecisiongirl the other day... after hours and hours of telephone conversations in which we decided that I'm Ms. Cleo and that she's my psychic twin, it sure was good to meet face to face! YAY!!!!
Otherwise.. I need to study more... got so much stuff due next week... too much social life... the trouble with having independece is that you have the ability to do the things that you want...though your mom was right when she said that you sometimes shouldn't....
Getting liscence in TWO WEEKS!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
(No... for real this time :) )

12:13pm: So now I'm back! From Outer Space :)
Well... It's certainly been a while!
No.. I did not drop off the face of the earth...
My computer DID, however, make a fizzling noise and crash, never to be resucitated.. SO for all intents and purposes, I've been out of commission for almost three weeks now... BLAH!

I'm writing from a school computer now..

It's one of those odd days, I feel so distant from everything I used to know.. The faces around me are all so new.. The life I lead is still novel, but not altogether perfect.. I have odd phases when I lie awake in bed thinking about a new cover for my sofa and how to rearrange the furniture in the morning, that I have to check the post box and pay the light bill, that I have work on Friday and Driver's Ed on Thursday, that I still need to work out the situation with the IRS and figure out how to get that refund for my grants... So much responsibility! And I still can't find my keys...

I havent' changed all that much... As James would say, the changes are all external, "It's not what you have, it's how you use it..." knowledge goes to wisdom if we're lucky.. Let's hope that responsibility eventually morphs into maturity...

I still feel like a little girl. I feel bad sometimes, as if now that my mother's gone I'm turning to others to mother me... For comfort and guidance (and rides... ::sigh::) I am turning to my friends... Maybe that's a good thing... but I feel as if I don't have as much to offer as they do... Like I'm a very needy person... I would drive me crazy...

BEH!

Old faces flit in and out of my life... It's odd to run into people so randomly... online or in person... we exchange pleasantries and move on... Maybe it will be different when everyone is back in town...

I know now what most of you were trying to say when you first entered college... The odd familiarity with things that are so new.. Sensing the absence of what was once familiar... Possibility and nostalgia mingling, haunting me...

And then a solid jolt back into reality...

12:23pm: Stuff
Happy Birthday to Somebody Special :)
DAMN you're old!

Enough about you, let's talk about me!
I just wrote the WORST essay of my academic career... You know, the kind that the teacher saves as an example of what NOT to do... UGH!
To give you an idea...

"The first woman succeeded, the second lived in agony. The comparison of these two plays seems to demonstrate the importance of respecting oneself, for it is only through self respect that one can gain the respect of anyone else..."

PUKE!

I almost HOPE that I fail... This is humiliating!!!!!

Ugh! Ok.. Laughing now... Damn! That essay is a classic.. I have one quote in it, and it's five words long.. The rest of it looks like my BSing before Mrs. Price and Smith-Willy taught me how to BS :)

GRIN!

Oh well.. Tomorrow is another day...